Homesick from both directions
Only twenty four hours until our bus leaves for the airport. The wave that is our departure from Jordan is starting to swell up in front of me, and in twenty four hours it’s going to wash me away. Crazy.
I’ve noticed an interesting shift, however. A week ago, I was missing the United States something strong, and thinking about all of the things that I was going to do when I got back. Drink root beer, eat breakfast cereal, watch Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, not have to worry about people misunderstanding me when I speak, relaxing with my family, etc etc. I think all of us were/are feeling that. Now, however, that going home is a reality that’s not just on the horizon, I’m starting to feel sad about leaving Jordan.
It’s a little bit like coming home from a mission, except not nearly as strong. When you’re a missionary on your last transfer, you can’t help but think about all the things at home that you miss, all the things you’re going to do when you get back, etc. Everyone reacts to it differently, but just about everyone experiences that.
When the last week comes, you’re emotions are playing so many tricks on you that you’re just about ready to go insane. As you finish up with your last few discussions and start saying your final goodbyes, you start to miss your mission something crazy, even though you haven’t gone yet. You say all your goodbyes that final day at church, drive around to say goodbye to all your friends and investigators, and it can be really hard. You’re swept away in this really powerful mix of conflicting thoughts and emotions and all you can do is hold on.
Then you get home, the ground drops out from beneath you, and you do your best to make a new life for yourself. A lot of returned missionaries really struggle with that, and I don’t think anyone is fully adjusted until after the first six months.
I’m feeling a little bit like that right now, though not nearly as strong as it was when I came home from my mission. I’m starting to miss Jordan even though I haven’t left yet, I’ve got a lot of conflicting thoughts and emotions, etc etc. I’m not sure if coming home will be such a difficult adjustment–certainly not as hard as adjusting to regular life after my mission–but there probably will be some culture shock in coming back. I don’t know how much, but I’ll definitely write about it.
A few months ago, when we were in church at Jerusalem and listening to the outgoing group of BYU Jerusalem Center students talk about how much they missed the states, I didn’t really understand how they could feel that way after being in the Middle East for such a short time. I understand a little better now, after feeling that myself. It has more to do with knowing that you’re going home soon than how much time you spend in a foreign place. And, while I feel that way myself, I also feel at the same time like I’m going to miss this place. Certainly two months from now, when we’re taking our midterms and I’m up to my knees in the grueling work of another semester, I’m going to wish I was back here. Because of this, these past couple of days have been very different from the others.
And what’s going to happen when I get home? What is going to be a shock to me, and what is going to come natural? What will I notice about America, now that I’ve lived in a foreign country for some time? What about America is going to remind me of Jordan? I don’t know, but I’ll keep writing in this blog for the next few weeks to let you know.
No responses yet
