Oh my heck, I just read the most glorious fisking of my life over on Larry Correia’s blog. The subject is a New York Times article titled “27 Ways to be a Modern Man” (is it just me or is the NY Times taking its cues from Buzzfeed?), and Larry pulls no punches. Glorious. Absolutely glorious.
It got me thinking, though, about what it means to be a real man. Jokes about meat and action movies aside, there seems to be a lot of confusion about the subject these days. It’s actually getting to be a serious problem with our society, as evidenced by the fact that a list as pathetic as Brian Lombardi’s can be taken seriously enough to be published in a major national newspaper.
So without further ado, here’s my list:
1) A real man provides for the needs of his family.
The traditional role of fathers is to provide, or to supply what is wanted or needed. There are many good reasons for this. Families have needs, some of which women are uniquely suited to fulfill, others of which men are uniquely suited to fulfill. Individual circumstances necessitate adaptations, but a real man knows that his duty is to his family.
A real man provides his family with shelter and security, with material support and protection. He makes his family feel safe, both from evil and from want. He provides them with love, with advice, with a positive example and role model for them to emulate. He provides his children with everything they need to grow up healthy and have families of their own.
A real man is not an absent father—unless, of course, the State steals his children from him and makes that impossible. Misandry is a far greater problem in our society than misogyny, especially within family law, but that’s a subject for another time.
2) A real man respects women and girls.
To respect someone is to regard them as being worthy of admiration because of good qualities, and to treat them in a proper way. A real man respects and values women, and treats them accordingly.
He does not see them as objects for his lusts, but as human beings. He recognizes the importance of their contributions to society, especially as wives and mothers, and helps them to feel wanted and appreciated.
A real man never lashes out at or physically abuses a woman. If a woman abuses him, he does not abuse her back.
3) A real man is someone that others can depend on.
A real man is dependable. He keeps his promises. He does what he says he will do. He understands that people are depending on him: his spouse, his children, his family, his parents, brothers, sisters, and friends. Inasmuch as it is within his power, he does not disappoint them.
4) A real man takes care of himself.
A real man understands that he cannot help others unless he first helps himself. For that reason, he strives for independence and self-reliance, so that he can better serve those who depend on him.
A real man does not need to be mothered, especially not by his wife or girlfriend. He cleans up after himself. He showers and keeps himself clean. He knows how to do his own laundry. He knows how to clean his own dishes. He knows how to eat healthy and how to exercise. He knows how to manage his time.
In short, a real man has his shit together. He may be a child at heart, but he is also a responsible adult.
5) A real man knows how and when to lead.
A real man does not wait for his parents or his wife to tell him what to do. He does not leave the decision-making to other people when it’s his responsibility to step up and lead. He knows how to take charge when people are looking up to him, and how to inspire confidence in those who look to him for direction.
Because he knows how to lead, he also knows how to follow. He does not his drag his feet or grumble about the tasks he’s assigned to do, but fulfills them to the best of his ability. He knows when to take charge, but he also knows when to step down. He also knows when to get out of the way.
6) A real man knows the difference between taste, quality, and value.
This was the biggest issue that I had with the NY Times article: 80% of the stuff on Lombardi’s list were merely matters of personal taste. A real man understands that different people have tastes that are different from his, and is perfectly willing to accept that. He does not condemn others for having “wrongfun.”
That said, he can also recognize quality and value. He understands that a $10 knockoff tool may, in the long-run, be more expensive than a well-made $50 tool. He knows how to use the right tool for the job, and how be efficient and do quality work.
7) A real man strives constantly to learn, grow, and improve.
At the same time, a real man recognizes that he is not an expert in all fields. When out of his area of expertise, he is able to admit what he does not know and to accept counsel from those who know more than him.
Life is a process of constant growth. Just like a muscle will atrophy if it is not exercised, so too will our minds and spirits deteriorate if we do not constantly strive for self-improvement. A real man recognizes this and does all he can to be a better man.
8) A real man faces his fears with courage.
Courage is not the absence of fear: it is the strength to overcome fear. The difference between heroes and cowards is often no more than the decision to stand up and do. A real man understands this, and overcomes his fears to do what is necessary. From the outside, he may appear fearless, but the truth is that he simply knows how to face his fears.
9) A real man helps others to achieve greatness.
A real man is not interested in petty infighting or drama. He does not keep score or hold grudges. He does not feel that he is diminished in any way by the achievements of others. Instead, he inspires and lifts those around him, often without even realizing it. People naturally look up to him, because he brings out the best in them.
10) A real man’s greatness is measured by the way he treats those he loves.
A real man is not overly concerned with titles or awards. He knows that greatness is not bestowed upon him by those in positions of authority, but is attributed to him according to how he treats those whom he loves. Because of this, he has developed a tremendous capacity to serve his fellow men, and exercises that capacity daily.
“Greater love hath no man than this: that a man lay down his life for his friends.” That is the true measure of a man: how much he gives of himself. Some men literally give everything, dying to serve and protect their loved ones. Others give their lives by living, giving freely of their time, talents, and love.
Regardless, a real man does not live for himself alone. He always lives for others.
I don’t know why I never followed you here from TPV, but this is a very nice list.
Add a couple of things:
A real man, when he can’t do something he is ‘supposed’ to do, due to illness or other real reasons, can accept help – and be cheerful about it.
A real man forces himself out of his comfort zone every once in a while – as part of that growth that needs to go on.
A real man accepts that he may be wrong sometimes.
Otherwise, spot on. From a Catholic woman’s perspective.
Welcome Alicia, and very good points!