I live behind an invisible wall of awkwardness

ok, so this post is going to be completely spontaneous and a little bit personal…

I’ve come to recognize this huge contradiction in the way that I live my life.  OTOH, I believe in brutal honesty and practically demand that my friends are completely honest and transparent.  OTOH, I hide behind this 30 foot thick wall of awkwardness that keeps me from expressing anything physical whatsoever towards girls.

I came to this realization a while ago, but it came to my mind just now when I went to apologize to this girl that I was fantastically rude towards yesterday.  I knocked on the door, asked if she had a minute, and we apologized and talked for a bit just outside of her apartment.  I felt the impulse to give her a hug–a totally platonic hug, too, one that says “yeah, I’m really sorry, lets be friends and forget about this,” but then my brain froze and I didn’t do it.  Instead, I did something hideously awkward–she put out her hand to give a shake and I kind of gave her a man hug, when you use your free hand to give the other person a solid pat on the back.  Ugh!

So, yeah, I live behind this giant wall of awkwardness.  It’s been that way ever since I got back from my mission, and by now I’m starting to realize that it’s more than just something I still haven’t gotten used to.  It’s just…I’m really not a touchy feely person.  At least, not towards the opposite sex.  It just doesn’t come easy.

But, then again, it may just be a symptom of something else.  When I was a missionary, I was really touchy feely with my mission buddies, believe it or not.  When I’d see friends at zone conferences and transfers, we’d hug each other, put arms around each others’ shoulders, crowd together for pictures, even joke around and do crazy stuff like grab each other.  It was totally natural.  But, after the mission, when it came to girls…it was just weird and awkward.  I never really got used to it.

It’s not that I’m anything other than straight as an arrow, either.  I know for a fact that I’m straight.  It’s the most natural thing for me to pretend like I’m having conversations with a girl that I like when I don’t have to think about anything else, or to conjure up some kind of story how we get together, or to wonder what kind of a woman my wife is going to be someday.  Believe me, I’m totally straight–it’s just that I find it extremely hard to express myself physically.

It’s interesting, too, because I have some good friends, both guys and girls, who are very good at expressing themselves physically.  My friend Ben has just about the exact opposite problem as myself.  He is so good with physical expression that every girl he’s ever known thinks that he’s flirting with her, and that can sometimes be a really big problem for him (sometimes I wish I had that problem).  My old roommate Steve claims that he’s a straightjacket but he’s not–I’ve caught him making out with girls before.  Basically, if the girl leads him into it, he goes along without any problem.

It’s starting to get to the point where I hope I’ll find a girl who is really good at expressing herself physically, just so I can learn from the experience of being with her.  Don’t worry–I’m not about to start chasing slutty women.  I have standards.  Besides, I don’t think I could stand a girl who isn’t at least my intellectual equal.  In some ways, that’s more important to me than looks.

But even if I got together with a girl who was really physical, and it didn’t work out and we had a horrible breakup and all that, I almost think it would be worth it just for what I’d learn from the experience.

I have no idea.  Just some random brainfarts.  And even though I haven’t really come to any sort of useful conclusion on this matter, I’ve said just about everything that’s on my mind concerning this subject, so I’m just going to post this and let my thoughts stew until something takes shape.  If you have any comments, I’d certainly like to hear them, because I’m kind of stuck in a hard place.