I have come to a realization about self-consciousness and writing…
When I was a freshman in high school, I attempted to write a novel (it was my second try) and I put everything into it. I had a notebook that I would work in all the time and would draw out maps, fill out plot outlines, write up notes on characters, put in inspirational quotes, etc.
About midway through the novel I got really discouraged and just gave it up. I was pretty miserable and depressed for a while, and then I picked it up again…and realized that all of the stuff I’d thought was crappy really wasn’t as bad as I’d thought it was. Basically, in my self-consciousness I’d exaggerated all the flaws.
So, because of this, I thought to myself “huh, that was stupid. I just won’t do that anymore.” I went on and started several more stories (even finished one! A sort of novella about a guy struggling with nightmares after 9/11 that was pseudo-autobiographical). I was really happy because I thought I’d gotten over the whole self-conscious kind of thing.
After my mission, I attempted another novel, got about 69,000 words in, and realized that I needed to reconceptualize the whole setting and throw out a bunch of characters in order to make it work. I only worked on that story occasionally, and didn’t have any specific goals for it (except for a vague idea of submitting it to publishers).
I didn’t get upset about it, though, because I told myself that I’d just put it on the back burner, give it some time, and come back to it with a fresh mind. I didn’t get all self-conscious about it at all, and figured it was because I’d gotten over that whole thing.
Well, I’ve figured out now that that’s wrong. I’m 85,000 words into a novel, I’m going regularly to writing groups and getting a lot of critical feedback, I have daily writing goals and a deadline to finish the rough draft. In other words, I’m really invested in this thing.
And now that I’m more than halfway through, I’m realizing that I’m not over feeling self-conscious about my writing.
Once again, it’s very to look at my story and see all the flaws exaggerated. I have about five viewpoint characters and that makes me wonder if I started out on the wrong foot to begin with. I’m getting all kinds of critical feedback from English 318 and the Quark writing group, and even though the criticism is for other stories, I can see the same mistakes in my novel. With all of this converging on me, it’s very easy to get really self-conscious–in fact, it’s almost impossible not to.
But then, I sit down to write and just immerse myself in the story that I’m creating.
When I do that, everything seems to change. I advance the plot, and instead of feeling lethargic and longwinded, the story becomes fast and exciting. I show the characters interacting with each other and with the setting, and they go from being flat and shallow to dynamic and interesting. I immerse myself in the issues that the story raises for me, and it changes from a pointless “stuff happens the end” story to something that really has an impact in my own life.
I was reading a book on plot today, and it made me feel really anxious and self-conscious about this story I’m writing. My reaction? I sat down and wrote 2,400 words in about two hours, all new material (no revisions–this is not the time for revisions!). And, now, I can say that the story isn’t as bad as I thought it was. I actually had to tear myself away from the computer (I had left the library, then had a really cool idea for the next scene, went back and wrote it down, then ran off again).
So, yeah, I was wrong about self-consciousness. It’s not something you can get over when you’re just a beginning writer. I figure that if you don’t feel self-conscious, you’re probably not putting everything you can into the story.
But none of this self-consciousness or anything really matters because I’m going to finish this novel by April. It’s decided. No matter how I feel about things, I’m going to finish this one. It’s not even something I have to worry myself over. It will happen.
And if I can keep up a pace of 2,000 words per night, I might even be able to finish it by the end of February. Huh.
