My roommate Matt wrote this awesome letter to The Daily Universe last year (scroll down to the heading “Message for Sisters” to read his letter), and garnered some incredibly hilarious responses from the BYU community. He struck a tightly strung chord in this community, something that everyone here at BYU spends a lot of time thinking about: dating.
Well, I figured that I have something I’d like to say on this subject, so earlier this week I drafted a letter of my own. I haven’t actually looked at the submission guidelines for letters to the editor, so I’ll probably have to shorten this quite a bit, but I wanted to post the full version here in case anyone’s interested. Enjoy!
When girls complain that they don’t get asked out on dates, we are quick to find fault with the guys and slow find fault with the girls.I believe this is a mistake.While it is true that a lot of the stinging criticism leveled at the guys is true and valid, there are many things that the girls do to turn off potential admirers.With regards to that, here are five general principles for dating that I believe every girl at BYU should know and follow:
1.Everyone is worth a first date.
Of all of Elder Oak’s dating counsel, the point we ignore the most is that a first date is not a big deal.Relax.Have fun.Give it a chance.How do you know that it can’t work out?And even if it probably won’t, at least it’s a great learning opportunity.No one is too far beneath you for a first date.
2.If you turn down a first or second date, no matter the excuse, it says “I’m not interested in dating you.”
Ambiguity is more painful than rejection.Even if your excuse is legitimate, guys will assume the worst.They may ask you out again, after some time, but they will be much slower to do so.On the other hand, if you want to communicate disinterest, turning down a second date is the polite way to do it.
3.If a guy asks you on a date and the time does not work for you, the way to say no without communicating complete lack of interest is to suggest an alternative time and activity.
If you have an honest scheduling conflict but are interested in dating him, do this and you erase the painful ambiguity that makes him reluctant to ask you out again.Besides, it is polite and very classy.
4.Backing out of a date at the last minute not only says “don’t date me,” it is inconceivably rude and extremely unattractive.
Guys step up to the plate by taking the initiative; girls step up to the plate by following through.If you are guilty of backing out after saying yes, you have absolutely no right to complain that guys don’t ask you out enough.Quite frankly, you are getting what you asked for.
If something genuinely does come up and you must cancel at the last minute, remember principle three.Show by your actions that you are not flaking out just because you got cold feet.
5.If you rudely turn down one guy, others will hear about it.
Guys are not as aloof as you think.We have our social networks and we talk with our friends about our dating experiences just as much as you do.Keep that in mind when someone out of left field asks you out.The word gets around.
Please know that I don’t mean to blame the girls at BYU for not getting asked out.Too many guys at this university aren’t man enough to step up to the plate.At the same time, the girls are not beyond the need for repentance.I’ve found, in my experience, that these five principles work, and I sincerely believe that if every girl in this university followed them, not only would we all date more, but we would all have a lot more fun.
>1. Everyone is worth a first date/No one is too far beneath you for a first date.
Careful with the absolutes. I can think of plenty of people who aren’t worth a first date. An extreme example would be a serial rapist, but there are plenty more realistic ones. That guy who dated your roommate and groped her and is now asking you out? Pass. That girl who asks you on a date while frankly telling you she’s trying to make her boyfriend jealous? Pass.
>2. If you turn down a first or second date, no matter the excuse, it says “I’m not interested in dating you.”
You contradict this in your third point, and again with the absolutes, but just to reiterate, there are plenty of excuses that I, as a guy, would completely buy. “My grandpa died and I have to attend the funeral.” “My roommate just broke up with her boyfriend and is suicidal.” “I slipped on the ice and broke my leg, now I’m in the hospital.”
The key, as you point out in your third point, is to make sure to indicate that you still have interest. I agree that the best way to do that is to suggest an alternate time (and activity, if you’re uncomfortable with the one presented).
Yeah, that’s true. It almost goes without saying that if you don’t feel safe with someone, you shouldn’t date them. But it’s good to point that out.
You know, I followed those dating rules at BYU and I still very rarely got asked out. I don’t really believe that these rules are why there are fewer dates.
I agree with Reigheena.
Also, if I was reading this without knowing who the author was, I would be thinking “Looks like someone’s a bit bitter…” Actually, I still think it, regardless of who wrote it.
I will second the some guys aren’t worth a first date comment. Some guys are creeps! Tis sad and true.
Second, aren’t these rules simple common senes and courtesy?
I can see how a lot of the fault for the decline in dating at BYU falls on the guys. And yes, if only a handful of girls followed these rules all the time, it really wouldn’t make much of a difference. The problem, unfortunately, is that it seems that all the girls, as a whole, don’t keep to these rules. If everyone did, and these rules were an ingrained part of our culture, then I think that we’d see an increase in dating. It’s not an individual problem, it’s a problem with the girls at BYU as a whole.
You’d THINK that this was just common sense and courtesy…but honestly, I’ve only ever asked ONE girl out who kept to these guidelines. Before then, I thought it was normal for girls to flake out at the last minute before a date–annoying as #%&!, but fairly standard. Now, I see that those girls just weren’t worth my time. Thank goodness I’m no longer in that ward.
And if it sounds like I’m bitter, it’s not against any one person so much as it is this problem in general. Come on, BYU girls! Stop freaking out every time some guy asks you out and have some courtesy! So what if he’s not the one and only guy you’ve had your eyes on since you moved into your new ward? Grow up!