PART THE FIRST
Sad Puppies: Wouldn’t it be great if the Hugo Awards weren’t about identity politics anymore? If conservatives and libertarians weren’t shut out by the blatantly liberal bias? If we didn’t care about a writer’s skin color, or their gender, or their sexual orientation, but about the quality of their stories?
Social Justice Warriors: EVIL RACIST CISGENDER SCUM! You only say that because you’re WHITE, MALE, and PRIVILEGED!
Sad Puppies: Actually—
Puppy Kickers: Haha! We beat you wrongfans last year, and we’ll beat you again this year! Sad puppies suck!
Sad Puppies: Oh yeah?
Sad Puppies sweep the 2015 Hugo nominations.
Puppy Kickers: What the hell, puppies? You violated the gentleman’s agreement that has governed the Hugos since time immemorial!
Sad Puppies: Of course we did! Your “gentleman’s agreement” was elitist and wrong.
Puppy Kickers: Oh yeah? THIS MEANS WAR!
PART THE SECOND
Flashback to before the nominations. Enter Vox Day.
Vox Day: Fear and tremble, denizens of fandom! I will wreak vengeance on my enemies and destroy the Hugo Awards for all time! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Social Justice Warriors: Vox Day is EVIL! THIS MEANS WAR!!
Sad Puppies: No, don’t destroy the Hugos, Vox! There’s still a chance they can be saved.
Vox: Hmm, very well. But I shall not march in lock-step with you.
Vox Day organizes the Rabid Puppies slate. Return to present.
Puppy Kickers: Look, the Sad Puppies slate is almost identical to the Rabid Puppies slate! The Sad Puppies are really just followers of Vox Day!
Sad Puppies: That’s not true. We were actually the ones to convince him to—
Social Justice Warriors: RACISTS! NAZIS! MISOGYNISTS! RACISTS! NAZIS! MISOGYNISTS!
Sad Puppies: Actually, if you look at our slate, you’ll see that—
Puppy Kickers: RACISTS! NAZIS! MISOGYNISTS! RACISTS! NAZIS! MISOGYNISTS!
Rabid Puppies: It’s no use to try to reason with these people. Sinistra delenda est!
PART THE THIRD
Puppy Kickers: Slate voting is EVIL! We must defeat the puppies at all costs to prove that vote rigging has no place in the Hugo Awards!
Social Justice Warriors: Here is a voting guide for how to make the puppies lose.
Sad Puppies: You hypocrites! How is that not rigging the vote?
Puppy Kickers: Haha, we don’t care! We’ll vote the way the SJWs tell us to, and brag about how we haven’t read any of the books on your crummy slate.
Sad Puppies: But—but there are a lot of good people here that are overdue for recognition! Toni Weiskopff, Kevin J. Anderson, Jim Butcher… and there are a lot of great new authors too, like Kary English. Our slate isn’t remotely racist or sexist. We’ve got people from all across the political spectrum too, because all we really care about is telling good stories!
Social Justice Warriors: We don’t care! If we can’t have the Hugos, NO ONE CAN!
The 2015 Hugo Awards. “No award” sweeps five categories.
Social Justice Warriors: VICTORY!
Puppy Kickers: Um, yeah! What they said! Uh… guys?
Vox Day: BWAHAHAHA! You fell for my Xanatos Gambit, you pitiful mindless fools! I HAVE DESTROYED THE HUGO AWARDS!
Rabid Puppies: All hail Vox Day, slayer of worlds! Sinistra delenda est!
Sad Puppies: Wow. Just… wow.
Rabid Puppies: Join us, Sad Puppies. Yield yourselves up unto us, and unite with us and become acquainted with our secret works. Sinistra delenda est!
Social Justice Warriors: Next year, we should give Anita Sarkeesian a Hugo!
