In real life, abduction is an awful, violent thing that we hope would never happen to us or anyone we know. But in fiction, the Rule of Romantic can make abduction the basis of a wonderful, heartwarming love story…at least for some of us.
This is actually a more common trope than you might think. It’s the underlying premise for Beauty and the Beast, though Disney rewrote that part out of it. It’s a major plot element in Watership Down, as well as The Courtship of Princess Leia. More recently, Twilight featured a few variations on this trope, though considering the source, that probably isn’t surprising.
In G and PG rated versions, this often leads to And Now You Must Marry Me. In PG-13 and R rated versions, leads to Rape Is Love, with many unfortunate implications. Due to the violent nature of the story, it often involves a lot of Slap-Slap-Kiss. Stockholm Syndrome, the psychological phenomenon whereby victims of abduction develop an emotional connection with their captors, is the overarching theme, making any abduction love story a match made in Stockholm.
In the West, this trope tends to be a lot less prominent than it used to be. However, if you look at the trappings of our marriage customs, you start to notice some disturbing trends that point to a time when abduction-as-romance was much more common. For example, what was the original function of the best man at a wedding? Quite possibly, it was to keep the bride from escaping (or being rescued). And why does the groom whisk the bride away to a remote, isolated place to consummate the marriage? To evade the bride’s angry family, of course.
Here in Georgia, this trope is alive and well, not just in fiction but in real life–seriously. It’s called motatseba, and is often discussed with a wink and a nod. In the family that’s hosting me, the mother married her husband after he abducted her, then bore him four children. Now, they both seem to remember it rather fondly.
This is such a bizarre tradition that I’m going to dedicate an entire post to it…after I figure out just what the hell is going on. Seriously, I can barely make sense of the practice–it’s like a twisted game of tag involving sex and arranged marriage. How it can possibly lead to love…that’s what I’m trying to figure out.
However, I’m sure it involves some interesting variation of this trope.
Armenia had bride-kidnapping, too. Highly prevalent. As I often say, it made asking “How did you meet?” a really awkward question.
First off, it must be said that it doesn’t always lead to love, though. There are couples where the marriage is tolerated by the young woman and her family because if she were rescued by her father or her brothers, then she will be considered “used goods” and will never marry. Ever. So, it comes down to the question of “Do you want to marry in this life? This is your only chance.”
As for the love, it’s a variation on arranged marriages. You can grow to love anyone, no matter who they are or what they have done. Everyone has good in them, even the man who has hurt you. Women are actually quite good at looking for the good in others, finding it, and then latching onto it. It’s why many women remain in abusive relationships, actually. Despite all the bad, they can still see the good and cling to it.
Also, it’s worth noting that because bride-kidnapping is a tradition, it doesn’t make every man who kidnaps his bride a horribly bad person. It might just mean he doesn’t know how to date.
Also worth noting that in their culture, if you do date someone it generally means you’re going to marry them or everyone expects you will. Breaking up, then, is taken very hard, and I know a lot of men who become stalkers and harass the girl if she breaks up with him, simply because they don’t know how to take the rejection.
On the other hand, not all “kidnappings” are actually kidnapping. Georgian might be this way too, but in Armenian the word for “elope” and the word for “kidnap” are the same. Once, a girl was “kidnapped” and some of her male friends when they found out, actually did go after her to rescue her. But when they got there, they had to ask the question, “was it willing or not?” It was willing, so they returned home.
A lot of couples also “elope” because of one of two reasons. 1) The marriage license and especially the traditional ceremony to go along with it are both very expensive and they’re too poor to go through all the “hassle”. 2) Her parents didn’t or don’t approve; and since the woman comes to live with the man’s family, he’s the one who must rescue her from her family and she gets “kidnapped”.
So I’m not sure, but what you may be seeing is a version of elopement instead of kidnapping.
Or who knows? Maybe he turned out to be a genuinely good man, husband, and a father. No matter the circumstance of how you ended up together, you can’t help but admire and respect someone for who they’ve become, no matter the mistakes they’ve made in the past.
All very good points, many of which I’ve had confirmed by conversations with native Georgians and others. As with any culture, there’s a tremendous amount of subtext beneath the surface, much of which is totally alien to our Western point of view. I’m not sure my host parents “eloped” exactly, but they do seem to be happy with their decision now. As one of my co-teachers said, a woman doesn’t stay with a man and bear him four children if she doesn’t love him.
Lol. Well, that depends on if divorce is possible. In Armenia, at least, it’s very hard for a woman to get a divorce, though men can file for divorce on the grounds of a) the woman not being a virgin when he married her (whether it’s true or not, not all virgins bleed), b)not producing children quickly enough for his taste (or his mother’s taste), and any other number of reasons, though those two are the ones I heard quoted more often.
Though I agree, it sounds like your host parents love each other. 🙂