Word splurge and refining the query

So this morning, I worked on the fifth draft of Genesis Earth while Facebook chatting with some friends I made from World Fantasy.  Next thing I know, it’s 4:30 and I’ve revised through 6.5k words.

To be fair, most of that work was pretty simple–polishing the prose, cutting unnecessary verbage, and the like.  But…wow.  Talk about a splurge.

Because of that, though, I didn’t get any work done in my other project, Into the Nebulous Deep. However, I did do something I’ve been needing to do since before World Fantasy: draft a query letter for Mercenary Savior. Here it is:

Dear _______,

My name is Joseph Vasicek, and I am writing to query my science fiction novel, Mercenary Savior.  I thought my work would be a good fit for you because ______.

As the galactic empire slowly collapses under the onslaught of the starfaring Hameji nomads, the sixteen year old James McCoy sets out to rescue his older brother and sister, Ben and Stella, from the Hameji conquerors.

Things look bleak until he meets Danica Nova, captain of a down-and-out mercenary company, who takes him in and becomes his mentor.  James reminds Danica of her brother, whom she failed to save when the empire slaughtered her family years ago.  Now, she hopes to find some redemption from her demons by saving James from his own.

However, as the two of them spiral onto a collision course with destiny, neither of them realizes that Stella has become a concubine to the Hameji overlord–and that Ben has been brainwashed and made an elite shock trooper in the unit sent to hunt them down.

Mercenary Savior is approximately 120,000 words long.  While it stands on its own as a complete story, it has potential for at least one direct sequel and several indirectly connected novels set in the same universe.

My previous publications include one short story published in the December 2009 issue of Leading Edge.  I have also won first and second place in the annual Mayhew short story contest at Brigham Young University (for 2009 and 2007 respectively).  In addition, I keep a regular blog at http://onelowerlight.com/writing.

Thank you very much for your consideration.  As noted in your submission guidelines, I have included _____.

Cordially,

Joseph Vasicek

So what do you think?  Does the pitch work?  Does it resonate well, or is it boring / cliched / confusing in any way?  Any thing else egregious that I should fix before I send this out?  Please let me know!

I really suck at submitting stuff.  Right now, I’ve only got three or four queries out on Genesis Earth, and one on Mercenary Savior. Like most things, though, the only way to change that is with practice.  By next week, I want to send out at least five queries on Mercenary Savior and have the synopsis ready to go.

Also, my friend from World Fantasy had an interesting suggestion for me: try to break into the small presses with my science fiction stuff, to build a name for myself, and work my way up from there.

This runs directly contrary to Dave Wolverton’s break in with a bang philosophy, but it makes sense; very few major publishers seem to be publishing much space opera these days (with the exception of Baen).  From what I gathered at World Fantasy, science fiction is a difficult sell these days, and several sf writers are going this route.

I could write more, on other subjects, but that’s enough for now.  Good frickin night.